NUMBER FOUR

apocalyptica - covering metallica's [insert any song title]

call me a cheater on this entry, but i've managed to completely run the gamut on metallica. i've broken it down into a system of complex neurological stages, each more deserving of intense clinical study than its predecessor. for example, there's:

stage 1: 'metallica is the greatest shit ever - i want to touch tips with james hetfield.'
stage 3: 'metallica is a brutally transcendent band that will prove to be a major influence for budding bands, generations to come.'
stage 4: 'first metallica show - holy fuck, incredible drumming.'
stage 7: 'sixteenth metallica show - eh.'
stage 12: 'every other metal band does it better.'
stage 15: 'why did i waste my time with 'load' and/or 'reload' in the first place?'
stage 18: 'and why the fuck did i play that game of 'who's in my mouth?' with james hetfield?'
stage 22: 'i have nothing but categorical contempt for every idiot who still wears metallica shirts - including members of metallica'

have you sat through at least 9 seconds of that atrocity, 'some kind of monster?' if so, it should now be painfully obvious that james, lars, and co. have their heads completely up their asses. they used to be kinda awesome; how they got here from there is anyone's guess. gentlemen, that bullshit's not cool at any age.

anyways, i know these apocalyptica clowns sometimes look like they'd rather spend their time rubbing their cocks all over one another instead of playing the cello, but i've logged enough time in orchestras to know that these cuties are phenomenally gifted. their solos alone on a live cover of 'one' are totally absurd. but since the last few have been live songs, i chose their studio version of 'nothing else matters':

NUMBER FIVE_v. 2.0

tori amos - a nirvana's 'smells like teen spirit' cover

actually, i really like that last clip with the two argentinian clowns, but it probably makes sense to post a real cover here. i decided to go with this chilling version of a song originally done by a band who wrote an entirely different song sardonically titled, 'rape me.' this version is just simply awesome. and it befits this equally awesome artist who happens to actively support anti-rape campaigns. sadly, anybody who gives at least three shits about tori amos would understand why.

so just this time only, out of respect to tori amos's case for the women's empowerment movement (see bjork/harvey), i'll put the abortion jokes on hold. nambla is still some bullshit, though.

NUMBER FIVE

two random argentinian dudes - covering 'sunday bloody sunday' by u2

what is it with that country? their chief export is this. thus creating such things like this. which somehow begat this.

and now:


btw, rightfully fork over my golden ball - i found yet another doppelganger, this time for our portly monstrocity mentioned above. raza azteca!! or not, whatevs.

NUMBER SIX

cradle of filth - 'hallowed be thy name,' iron maiden

another metal shout out.

it seems that any search request in youtube will return a mind boggling array of random scenes from some random anime flick. i get it, people. to you 29 year-old virgins who feel that providing the world with your favorite scene of a squid from outer space fucking a shapely japanese geisha with big eyes and small mouth, not to mention setting it to some metallica song, will legitimize your aversion to actual human contact: cheers, i get it.

but try it sometime. go to youtube.com and search for any word or phrase out of an ordinary dictionary. take, oh i dunno, 'hot lunch,' and you'll get clip screen captures that look like this crap.

and i definitely don't need this when all i want to do is watch is a clip of psycho sid justice blowing out both of his legs on live tv. i guess all of this explains the clip below. the song is set to some corn-studded turd of a japanese cartoon since no real vid exists.

(crm team lead, this is a chance for you to pull up your favorite excel spreadsheet about enterprise metadata configuration strategies and ignore the visuals altogether - call it an 'optic sorbet' if you want.)

NUMBER SEVEN

pj harvey and bjork - covering the rolling stones' song, 'satisfaction'

then the rare cover comes along that's so superior to the original, it makes you wonder what would happen if you could somehow go back in time and successfully have mick jagger's parents unfucked.

actually, i admit it. this version is just, well...eh. but i went to a u2 concert a few years ago and their opener, harvey, completely stole the show. yes, stole it from u2. the intensity she has on stage is seriously unmatched by anyone else claiming to be in her league.

and you're worthless if you don't like bjork. that is all.



(btw - nice display of the women's empowerment movement, i might add. it makes me wish i had all my kids aborted.)

NUMBER EIGHT

sepultura - covering u2's 'bullet the blue sky'

so, i gotta stay true to my metal musical roots. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

hahahahahaha! get it?? 'roots'? 'sepultura'? hahahahahahah... no?

fuck you, that's why.

NUMBER NINE

jamie callum - covering the overly covered 'everlasting love' (i guess originally by buzz cason. thank you, wiki)

this song has been covered no fewer than 83 times by bands, pop stars, judo instructors; everyone. i like this quasi-jazz version the best even though the video is a total disaster. don't get me wrong, i'm a huge fan of that squinty-faced nightmare renee zellweger and all, but this is a mistake. do yourself a favor and read any random issue of national geographic when you click below.

NUMBER TEN

muse - covering nina simone's 'looking good'

anyhoo, from here on out, i'll be nice and try to leave the banter to a minimum so that you can decide things for yourself. this version is definitely an homage that befits the legacy of the late doctor simone. to the good doctor, i've been waiting my whole life for this. bravo.

THAT'S IT, THAT'S THE LIST

oddly enough, i'm actually not a fan of cover songs. the bad tend to greatly outweigh the good. besides, i'd rather venture into uncharted waters with a unique artist rather than constantly look for that anchor; that point of reference buried in an otherwise brilliant stand-alone song. why not just write a new song in the first place? same thing with movie remakes, btw. did we really need another rollerball? really?? was the original even all that good? whatever.

and the other caveat, what anyone accidentally stumbling onto this blog, ready to shoot down all my musical tastes is about to see is definitely NOT a comprehensive list - it's just a compilation of things (post-90s) that reside on youtube. there's a killer version of pink floyd's goodbye cruel world by anathema. nowhere online. smashing pumpkins covered joy division's isolation. nope, not online either.

oh, and one final disclaimer, my only intention is to appeal to a wide range of musical tastes. i like to think that i'm somewhat diverse, but i have my creature comforts. i could do a 'best of dimmu borgir cover project' if you want, but the only person that would care is this guy.

don't be that guy.

PREAMBLE RAMBLE

first let's get to the bottom of what a bad cover doth make. take this example of afi covering the cure. technically, it's not that bad - all of them play their instruments reasonably well and the singer seems to hit most of his...um, 'notes.' but from their arrangements all the way down to the inflections of the singer's voice, a doppelganger has been born.

(sidebar: speaking of doppelgangers, doesn't the afi singer look freakishly like a screamo version of another well known singer? i'm just sayin'. oh, and what's up with those retarded michael bay-esque quick edits in the first 50+ seconds of the clip? you shouldn't have to suffer full blown dimentia while watching some shitty music vid.)

they even ape the drum fills and guitar solos ver batim. even though it's these elements that make the song so uber-recognizable in the first place, this is the equivalent of (upcoming analogy for any chicks stumbling onto my bandwidth by mistake) not just wearing the exact duplicate of another girl's dress to prom, but the same dress worn by the prom queen the year before. from a musician's standpoint, where's the challenge in that? someone might tell me...

'but it's those guitar leads, vocal inflections, and drum fills that make the song what it is. it's impossible to expound on. by the way, on a somewhat related note, i'm a homo and i want to fellate you.'

to them i'd say something like, 'robert smith and co. already did that version. it's called the original.' it'd probably be peppered with no fewer than 18 'fucks' and a punch to the dick for saying 'expound', but i digress.

furthermore, let's approach this from a different angle. say you're cruising down the road in your 1999 black chevy cavalier when, BANG!! the engine explodes. you realize that you need to buy a new car. you have two options:

a) seek out another new 1999 chevy cavalier, identical in every way except this time it's grey instead of black
b) exercise a morsel of creativity and get something different

if you picked 'a', you're a boring, unimaginative little shit and i'd rather have cancer than be your friend. i tend to explore the validity of a cover song in kinda the same way. you're dismissed.


so you need to make a great song better without ruining the allure of the original. that's the whole crux of the cover song concept - to pay homage, not to replace. nor to imitate. so, i'd also offer my hypothetical antagonist from two paragraphs ago this version of that same song by georgia's katie melua (not the one in the states, the one in europe. check out her accent.) and to be fair, it's a live version too (there's a studio version online, but rather than a music vid or something, it's oddly set to a slideshow of joaquin phoenix. since i like the song so much, i'm now gay for joaquin phoenix. thanks for posting it, fucker).

anyhoo, you'll notice right off the bat that all the guitar solos are elegantly different (only hints of the original chops remain), her (absolutely mesmerizing) vocal licks are stylishly different, and whoa, is that a completely different drum pattern altogether?? you heathen!! and look at her. she's so freakin' sexy. step aside, joaquin, now all i can think about is eastern europe. critical mass averted.

but alas, melua doesn't crack my list...
(what a monumental step back for the space program, btw...right?)

TAKE COVER

'blog.' short for 'weblog.'

'intriguing concept.' short for 'gay.'

yeah, most of the blogs i've read are totally gay. there's top 10 baby pictures - gay. venomous postings about how ford mustangs don't come in 5 liter engines anymore because of 'them democrats' - gay. pictures of home improvement projects... top 10 links to local news articles covering the pittsburgh steelers' superbowl victory parade... pictures of babies doing home improvements - i hate them all.

...and youtube linkdumps. everyone videotapes everything now. ergo, people post shitloads of crappy youtube clips on their blog like it's going out of style. maybe it compensates their greed.

their greed for providing the world with nary an original thought. i mean, is it necessary to post a 20-second clip of people laughing at nothing more than a rubber duck with flashing lights inside of it, all the while urging everyone to comment on its sheer hilarity?

yes, the clip exists. what it proves though, if anything, is a total fucking mystery.

it's almost as hilarious as watching a bunch of unanimated, out of touch, self-fellating corporate pricks leeching onto their bogus perception of pop culture; each afraid to give into their (sadly, very real) utter lack of knowledge about well, anything. (shit, actually that's not fair. i'm sure they know about all the lowest local mortgage rates, and the best way to mine data from an multi-threaded archived document management system.) so be fair when you watch them, yammering and 'starbucksing' on at the proverbial water cooler:

PROCESS STRATEGY ANALYST: hey, did you check out that new cheerios commercial during survivor last night?
CRM TEAM LEAD: no, i was having dinner with the ol' ball and chai...
(everyone breaks into laughter for twelve solid minutes. this is followed by an awkward pause)
INFRASTRUCTURE MIGRATION SPECIALIST: but seriously, that was the one where a desheveled ben stiller in a cat suit asked that CGI scooby-doo if that was his 'final answer,' right?
PROCESS STRATEGY ANALYST: that's the one!
CRM TEAM LEAD: no, he did not just go there!
FUNCTIONAL TEST CASE MANAGER: (walking in with a panera bread tote bag) booyah! he totally did!
(more uncontrollable laughter)
FUNCTIONAL TEST CASE MANAGER: so anyways, who wants to come over to my place after the...(*wink*) 'rat races' and meet *my* boring wife, eat some meatloaf leftovers with us, and say hello to my twin boys, john and joe - they just started the 2nd grade, and gosh, their homeroom teacher really...

thankfully, that cheerios commercial doesn't exist...yet.

but these are some of the people that are responsible for some of the most asinine blogs ever. so to inaugurate (or deflower, whatever you prefer) the intarweb with my brand of worthless bullshit, it's only fair that i leave you with something that befits this platform, which i've now hopefully deemed unoriginal, excessive, and stale. i give you a top 10 youtube linkdump of what else - some of the best cover songs in history. naturally.

(but before i roll out:



...fucking hilarious. comment!)