EPILOGUE, OR THE SUM OF ALL MY HATE

and so ends my first blog post ever. it only took me several weeks to finish it too - the model of efficiency. just to recap, you, the accidental reader, should check it out in this order:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

and finally the current monstrosity.

should you have laughed? maybe. should you have been moved? probably not. should your only lasting memory of this overdrawn bullshit be a burgeoning desire to question the legitimacy of ll cool j's career? fuck yes (see #3 above).

ladies love cool james todd smith has given the world an abundance of bizarre spoils courtesy of the most dubious of careers. from making shit albums, to making shit movies, to public speaking gigs with the shit republican party (not a joke), it's hard to believe that a schmuck who is responsible for the incomprehensible foible of never being seen without a baseball cap (which ultimately resulted in the popularity of these hideous creations) could, at one time, successfully 'knock you out.' as far as i'm concerned, he'll forever be pegged as the pile of human waste that had to take a backseat to justin timberlake. if that last pic was intended to provide budding actors with some visualization depicting the increasing stages of on-screen prowess, job well done. and by 'well' i mean 'makers of edison, go commit mass suicide.'

there are a few honorable mentions to hand out real quick. i'm going to make any mention of them really quick and really tiny from left to right, they are:

• dynamite hack covering nwa's boyz in the hood. hilarious, but loses points because it's not the whole song. plus i hate ugly frat boys that get more chicks than i do.
• steve burns covering they might be giants' dead. loses points because the vid makes no mention of tiny toons.
  
• some guy covering some other japanese guy's (koji kondo kataku) super mario brothers theme. loses major points for rushing. lay off the rubber cement huffing (why the hell is he playing bass in shop class?) for one hour and slow...the...fuck...down.
• opeth covering iron maiden's remember tomorrow. loses points because you need a game genie strapped to your face to watch the vid. why the hell do people do this? tekken vids? really?
  
• kelly sweet covering aerosmith's dream on. loses points because she's less feminine than steven tyler.

another thing - it seems that experienced bloggers and annoying intarweb pop-up coders alike opt to add those smiley icons and/or current song of choice to indicate their frame of mind during the creation of an entry. i actually kinda like this concept and i'm more than comfortable in claiming that i invented the practice. so, in a vain attempt to conformingly sexify this blog, i'll add a simplified mood vehicle in the form of what album is inspiring me to write the latest drivel. scroll down and check it out for yourself. apropos, if you're stupid enough to click on a smiley download pop-up and now your computer has chlamydia, good - you deserve it.

maybe you'll notice that the album sometimes steers an ironically contradictory tone in my writing that you can call me out on. like, how on earth could someone enjoying a meekly conservative lindsay lohan cd perform the venomous and heinous act of producing such a hate-filled diatribe? actually, don't answer that. but it's still ironic, kinda like in the way fidel castro would enjoy the fruits of some capitalist utopia. but that could never, ever happen.

i leave you with a final musing. the overall popularity of a band can boil down to one simple ratio that i've cleverly dubbed 'one simple band ratio,' (or 'nambla,' for short). nambla can be defined as:

nambla(x) = (# songs other bands covered by x) : (# songs by other bands x covered)
where x = artist

just for us laymen, the higher the number on the left side of the ':' with a corresponding lower number on the right indicates a more prolific band/artist. in other words, if the number on the right is bigger than the number on the left, you've got a pretty shitty band. and yeah, i stole the whole nambla thing from the daily show, but again, i have no problem in saying that they stole it from me. observe below these points of reference to give you an idea of what kind of scale we're dealing with:

nambla(limp bizkit) = 1:9
nambla(korn) = 1:2
nambla(u2) = 3:2
nambla(alice in chains) = 2:1
nambla(paul anka) = 5:2
nambla(david bowie) = 3:1
nambla(nirvana) = 15:4
nambla(celtic frost) = 13:3
nambla(beatles) = 14:1
nambla(pink floyd) = 76:1

and the absolute showstopper (in my highly comprehensive and sophisticatedly scientific method), the runaway winner of this event is abba with a staggering nambla of 102:1. (i'm really glad that nobody else claimed that 'nambla' moniker for themselves. especially not some wacko organization that is clearly a vicious underground child molestation ring operating under the guise of gleeful summer camp enabling young boys to explore their sexuality. yup i'm glad; really glad. so glad that you can go ahead and add the 2nd 'a'.)

[...if you care, right at this instant i hear dark tranquillity's damage done...]